
Let's get super honest: Is This Service Actually Right For YOU?

Hell Yes, We will Probably Click If:
Probably Not Your Nutritional Soulmate If:
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Your body is throwing a chaotic rebellion and you're tired of doctors shrugging it off
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You've tried approximately 37 diets and now have a relationship with food that's more complicated than your last three romantic relationships combined
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You want to understand WHY your gut has declared war, not just be handed a sad list of foods to avoid
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The thought of another perky nutritionist saying, "just eat more kale!" makes you want to commit crimes
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You appreciate someone who will call out diet culture bullshit when they see it
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You're looking for ways to feel better in your actual, real-life body—not some mythical "after" version
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You can handle straight talk delivered with dark humour and zero sugar-coating (unless you're literally fuelled by sugar, in which case I can be a little bit sweet)
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You've got ovaries that are staging a hormonal coup (or had them at some point) and need someone who gets the chaos
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Your primary goal is watching the number on the scale drop (I'm about as interested in your weight as I am in cryptocurrency)
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You want a meal-by-meal plan that eliminates all thinking about food (I'm not your personal food dictator)
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You're hoping for a magic list of "good" and "bad" foods (Life's too short for food guilt trips)
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You're looking for quick fixes or "detoxes" (Your liver , kidneys and skin have that covered, thanks)
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You want someone to monitor your calorie intake (Math was never my favorite subject)
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You prefer your healthcare providers to be relentlessly positive and never mention poop (We're gonna talk about poop, it might get dark ….)
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The thought of occasionally laughing about your health struggles makes you uncomfortable (Dark humour is how we survive this mess)
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You want to "get your body back" after [insert life event] (Your body never actually left—it's been with you the whole time)
The Unvarnished Truth About What You're Getting
What I Absolutely WILL Do For You:
What I Absolutely WON'T Do:
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Transform complicated nutrition science into actual English you understand
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Listen to your weird symptoms without making that face doctors make
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Help you connect the dots between what you eat and how you feel
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Create strategies that work with your actual life, not some fantasy world where you have infinite time and energy
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Provide a space where no health concern is too embarrassing (trust me, I've heard it ALL)
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Adjust and pivot when something isn't working because bodies are chaotic little ecosystems
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Celebrate small wins because healing isn't linear and sometimes "I pooped normally today" is victory-dance worthy
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Use humour and sarcasm willy nilly to make discussing difficult health topics slightly less awful
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Create a day-by-day meal plan (I'm not your personal chef or food police)
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Focus on weight loss as a goal (Your body is not a problem to be solved)
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Count your calories or track your macros (Life's too short and math is hard)
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Hand you a binder of sad, flavourless "diet" recipes (Food should bring joy, not punishment)
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Promise miracle cures or overnight transformations (If I could do that, I'd be charging WAY more)
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Judge you when you text me about eating an entire pizza at 2am (Been there)
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Use the phrase "clean eating" without violent eye-rolling (Food doesn't have moral value)
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Pretend there's one perfect way of eating that works for everyone (If there was, we'd all be doing it)